To all of my loyal followers: I apologize for the lack of posts the past week. Besides fighting pure exhaustion I was out of town all weekend (more posts on that later in the week) and have barely even touched my computer, let alone sat down to blog. However, have no fear, I have returned and will try my best to get back on the wagon this week! Thanks for your patience. 🙂
So as many have read, heard or picked up on….we have been having problems with Logan as of late and his transition into Kindergarten. Every night seems to be filled with some kind of emotional breakdown, tears, sadness and me and Jared going to bed with a heavy heart. I constantly worry about him and often time have to push the guilt away of not being a good mom.
As parents we never want our child to feel pain or cry. We know our children will grow up and at some point realize the world is unfair and cruel and often evil but we never really want that day to come. We live every day thinking that day is so far off and then it hits us like a freight train. Our sweet innocent children find out that the world isn’t so perfect, life is terribly unfair, hard work doesn’t always pay off and that superheroes don’t exist but the world could really use one. As a parent we struggle with preserving the innocence yet allowing them to grow and learn about the world so that they themselves are prepared for whatever life throws at them.
Yes, Logan is only 5, but he has experienced more heart ache and sadness since starting Kindergarten then he ever has before. Being gone all day away from his brother and parents has been tough, feeling tired and under constant rules and structure is enough to push any 5 year olds limits, and feeling out of the loop has made him pretty sad. He has started having accidents and acting out in ways that are embarrassing to him yet he can’t seem to stop the pattern now that it’s started. My baby comes home angry and screams and yells (something else he has never done before). He sits in his room screaming at the top of his lungs like a 15 year old who just got grounded. We sit out on the couch listening with mixed emtions. On the one hand we are shocked, on the other it’s so bizarre and crazy it’s almost comical, and the other is just heart breakingly sad because he is obviously feeling pain and anger and we have no idea how to help.
There is no magic parent book. There is no fairy that comes down and says how to deal with raising another human being. I have yet to find the words that erase hurt and a hug big enough to squeeze all the fear out. Sometimes I look at those big haunted eyes and I have no idea how to connect to him anymore. It’s quite possibly the scariest thing to feel as a parent. I expected this feeling when they were 16…not 5.
Logan loves to draw and is quite the artist. He carries a pen and post it pad around with him everywhere and literally lives out his life through pictures. I decided after the 3rd meltdown of the night to explore a new tactic. I took in his doodle pad and asked him to draw his feelings and why he felt like that. He quickly drew himself with a very sad face. Then I used that opportunity to draw illustrations of my own explaining to him how we feel when he yells and screams and is disrespectful. We went back and forth for a while and by the end he was smiling and happy again and anxious to show daddy his drawings of how he felt.
I don’t know if I solved any problems, but for now I’ll chalk it up to a small victory. As a mother sometimes we must take what we can get and go to bed knowing we did the best we could. The longer I am a parent the more I realize that we can’t change human beings, we can’t mold them into anything that they don’t want to be and we have no control over who they really are at the end of the day. All we can do is love them, guide them and nurture them……With enough love and support they’ll turn out alright and learn something in the process.
Hoping we can all stay connected to our little ones……even if it’s through a doodle pad.