It has been three weeks since my mother n law passed away. Some days it seems like forever since I saw her beautiful face and some days it seems like yesterday. I can honestly say the past 7 weeks have been such a blur. I feel like I have been asleep for nearly 2 months and am just now starting to wake up. I can’t recall how the weather has been, what my son is doing in school, or what we have had for dinner……yes, it’s been that blurry. I can only recall the shocks and sadness of the past 8 weeks and nothing more.
I have returned to work and my son has returned to school. We are back on somewhat of a routine which has been nice, but most days I wake up thinking it feels weird and fake to be resuming life. I almost feel guilty for living and smiling. I guess it’s kind of like survivors guilt. I used to think that only happened during traumatic events when everyone is shot except for me or when the boat sinks and I’m the only survivor. Now I realize that guilt can happen no matter what the circumstances are. I know she wants us to resume our lives and live happily and I intend to do that but the feelings of guilt still creep up.
Time is supposed to heal all wounds but I’m not sure that is the case at this moment. I think after the first year time will start to heal, but not right now. Right now time seems to make it worse. The more weeks we go without seeing her, the more Sundays we eat at our house instead of hers, the more events that take place that she doesn’t attend…..those seem to rub the wound raw. Each day we have without her is another day the knife twists a little more. I wish the scars were starting to form and the pain was gone…..but it’s not and instead I can feel the sting when the air blows by and the warm blood trying to fight to protect the body.
The boys are starting to talk about her more. Starting to miss her more. I think it’s hitting home now that we are almost to the one month mark. Life is weird without her in it, it’s quieter, duller and not as bright. My oldest son has his first loose tooth and instead of being excited I am crestfallen that she won’t get to see it. That he won’t be able to tell her. I have no doubt she would have dressed up as the tooth fairy and made a huge production once he lost that toot. HAHA! That’s just the kind of amazing ZZ she was.
While this all sounds depressing……it’s not all sad. Healing is funny and comes in waves and stages. We are all new a this and are trying the best we can to stay afloat, stay positive and start a new chapter. While the pain is evident and raw and right on the surface I am confident that life can still be lived with raw wounds. Experiences can still be enjoyed and lessons can be taught. There is nothing I can do about the wounds just like there is no way I can remove the scar once it forms. She is gone and that will forever hurt us, sadden us and be a hole in our life. But there is celebration that can be done, memories that can be shared and a beautiful life that can be used as an example for our own. So on that note……I celebrate 3 weeks. I celebrate my family and my husbands family for getting through the past 3 weeks. I hug my kids for being troopers and strong little guys through a difficult time. I remember her smile and her laugh and know that she is smiling and laughing more now than ever before. And I pat myself on the back because I have to give myself some credit too. I have remained strong and steady (with help from her) and I have tried to take a horrible tragedy and make it good, make it useful and find hope even in the bad. So three weeks, I welcome you with open arms……Now bring on the one month!!!