Yesterday marked the 6 week date since Sally passed away. Tuesdays will always be like a countdown day it seems. I can’t seem to wake up on a Tuesday morning with a smile on my face or walk around not having some darn number in my head. While overwhelming at times, I realize that is how it will be for a while and only time will tell how long I’ll be faced with the impending doom once a week. I wish I could say I was better. I wish I could say that time really was healing my wounds…..but it’s not. I feel worse at 6 weeks than I did at 2 and I don’t see an end in sight. Every day something new happens that we can’t share with her and it’s a slap in the face all the time. It’s hard…it’s painful and it’s exhausting.
As I said in earlier posts…I wrote a eulogy on the day she died that I read at her funeral. I haven’t looked at it or read it since that day. I have felt that if I looked at it again I would fall apart. I feared it might be my undoing and I can’t be undone just yet. However, as I sat out in the sun tonight soaking up the warm breeze and looking in the cloudless sky I felt like I needed to share what I wrote. I felt like it was time to honor her again in this way and be reminded of the strength I had on that day and in those final moments with her. Perhaps, it will give me a small amount of peace and help heal my broken heart.
So in her memory and to honor her….here is what I wrote:
(Note: We called her Mommzies since that is what her boys have called her since they were little)
On March 19, the world lost one of it’s most precious gifts and our family had to say goodbye to our anchor, our rock, and our source of sunshine. It is impossible to describe how amazing our Momzies was. Even the most fluent of poets couldn’t possibly do it justice. She spent her whole life caring nothing of herself and instead dedicated every waking moment to others. She lived every day sharing her unconditional love with the world. Through her job she touched thousands of lives and gave even the most doubtful a reason to smile. As a friend, daughter and a sister she provided loyalty, guidance, laughter and comfort. As a mother, she was steadfast, strong, unselfish and would have given up anything for her sons. As a grandmother, she filled my boys’ worlds with fun, adventure and never-ending joy.
Mommzies showed us how to live, how to smile and how to roll with whatever life threw our way. She was resilient through heartbreak and sadness and never gave up on finding the good in people despite their faults. My mother n law taught me so much. She taught me to work hard in all things and take pride in what I do. She showed me every day how to be the most perfect of moms. I was taught how to be brave, courageous and strong even when I feel like falling apart. Most of all she taught me how to walk through life with a dignity and pride that even death could not take away.
Some people search their whole lives for their purpose. However, on March 19th at 3:30 in the morning I found mine. Momzies, my purpose was to hold you close to my chest as you took your last breath. It was to preserve your dignity as you went home to paradise and to look in your eyes, that were still so full of love, as you left this earth. I am so thankful that out of everyone in this world I was chosen for that role. I will forever cherish that special moment.
So Momzies before I close, I want to thank you for giving me the most precious miracle….my husband. Because of you I have found my world and my happiness. When I look at Jared, I see all the good things about you…in him. I see the same spirit and the same big heart. Because of you, I also have 2 of the most beautiful boys. Logan and Mason couldn’t have had a better ZZ than you. You will live forever in the eyes of my children and your spirit will continue to touch others through them.
I promise to fulfill your last wishes. I promise to love your son and your family unconditionally. I promise to take care of your parents, your siblings, your boys, your nephews and your grandbabies, like you asked me too. You passed me the torch and I promise to burn it just as bright as you did and spend every day in your honor.
So my precious Mommzies, I say goodnight but not goodbye because when I hear a bird sing…I will hear your voice. When a flower blooms I will feel your spirits and when the sun shines on my face I will feel your love. I know you will be watching out for us and loving us every day.
Please save a spot on the dance floor for me and Jared. See you soon and I love you!