I am sorry I have been absent for a few weeks. Events have kept me away for personal reasons. So for all of my loyal readers here is an update. My mother n law passed away from cancer on March 19 at 3:30 in the morning. It was almost exactly 4 weeks to the day of finding out she had cancer. Amazing how fast it went! She died peacefully and with so much dignity and honor. There was no suffering as was to be expected, and no pain. She was an absolute warrior until the very end and insisted on going out with all the pride she could muster in her condition. I was able to spend the last 3 days of her life with her and care for her around the clock. We shared many special moments, kisses, hugs and “I love you’s.” These will forever be close to my heart and have already provided comfort to me in moments of sadness. The evening of her death I came home and wrote a eulogy. I still am unsure what provoked me to write something when I hadn’t slept in 72 hours but I put pen to paper and within 10 minutes had several pages written. In a later post I will post her eulogy so that she will forever be honored on my blog.
It has been 2 weeks and 2 days since her passing and we have been working non stop with first, funeral arrangement and then we spent all last week clearing out her house. She wanted us to move quickly so that we would have time to heal and we needed some closure. I have realized that with such an unexpected diagnosis and a quick death closure is difficult to obtain. It’s hard to understand how a perfectly healthy individual finished a 60 hour week at work and then went to the doctor and was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and is now gone. We will never understand the reasons or why someone so precious was taken from us so early….. so I don’t know if full closure will ever come. I guess I will find out some day. However, out of so much grief and sadness something good must be in order. I don’t know if it will be apparant tomorrow or in 10 years from now……but someday we will look back and realize that something good did come out of such deep sorrow. At least I hope.
Through this whole experience I have learned many things. I have learned a lot about my children and their enduring spirit, my husband and his unconditional love, and myself. For me, I have found a strength that I thought I had lost long ago. In the most important moment of my life it came back with a vengeance more beautiful, and stronger than ever before. It washed over me like a calm summer breeze. It allowed me to care for my dying mother n law without ever shedding a tear in her presence; it allowed me to hold her close to my chest as she took her last breath, it helped me get through my speech at her funeral, and it has helped me be the rock my family and my husband’s extended family has needed. Everyone needs someone they can cry on that will hold their composure. I have been that person….and while sometimes difficult I know that she is with me at all times making sure I don’t crumble. Whenever I reach for my strength I can literally hear her whispering in my ear to be strong and I can feel her warm embrace comforting me and making sure I’m okay. She left me with big shoes to feel and a list of things I needed to do for her in the family. I will NEVER be able to replace her but she has trusted me with being the anchor and the rock when everyone else feels lost. I know that she would never have trusted me with that job if I couldn’t handle it. And even now I can feel her making sure I uphold that promise. I am thankful to have unburied that strength that served me so well long ago. Hopefully this time….it’s here to stay.
I go back to work on Monday and I hope I am ready. Working in health care can be challenging since everyone is sick and some are dying. However, we all must return to our routine eventually and ZZ (that is what my boys called her) would want us to go forward with our lives. I know at some point I will be forced to slow down…..and I may crumble……but for now I am pushing forward with tasks, responsibilities and a clear mission. We will honor her in all that we do and make sure that we live the life with our boys that she would have always wanted. She may not be here physically but she will always be with us in all that we do. I only hope she will continue to whisper in my ear whenever I need her.
Again, I am sorry for the absence. I seem to be apologizing a lot this year. It has truly been a crazy year. I am hoping life slows down and my family can enjoy a few months of normal again. We haven’t had that at all this year. Our current broken spirits can only take so much.
Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported us during this time. It has not gone unnoticed.
Until next time….