It’s been a while since I’ve written and normally I would say it’s because I’ve been busy, but that would only be a half truth. You see, I have been busy but mostly it’s been because I’ve been grieving.
October was an incredibly rough month for me and my husband. Honestly, I can admit it was probably the hardest of our nearly 11 years of marriage. We were dealt many devastating blows all within a few short days and it really has sent us reeling over here. I will not be going into specific details because the details don’t matter. However, in short summary, we were ripped off and betrayed by someone who is not only family but my husband’s best friend, my kids closest “uncle” and someone who was like a brother to us. The initial incident was devastating but the aftermath was brutal.
There’s the old saying of “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.” I wish that were a true statement but the fact of life is that words DO hurt.
A single action can wield a pain like no other. It can hit your gut and take your breath away. It literally did for us. When we found out what had happened we literally just sat in silence, trying to comprehend what had happened. A million questions enter your mind but the biggest is just a simple, “Why?” Why would anyone choose to do that? Why would someone so maliciously hurt you in such a way? Why did this person choose the one path out of a million paths that would hurt you the most? Why, why, why? You literally drive yourself crazy with the questions because there are no good answers. The only answers are crappy and terrible and make you doubt everything you ever thought about that person.
We sat on the news for almost 2 days before even saying anything. When someone wrongs you the first reaction is to lash out in anger but we know that it is best to sleep on things and figure out exactly what to say. The decision was made and when we told the individual we knew what they had done things only got worse.
We knew there was no going back from the hurt. We knew we could never trust this person again. A relationship without trust is no relationship. Yes, we could have listened to the reasoning and excuses but there were none that would have made sense, that would have made any of it okay. NONE. When an individual pre-meditates their actions there is no rational reasoning or excuse to be had.
What I didn’t expect was the aftermath.
The messages and texts I received were absolutely horrifying. The absolute horrid things that were said about me and my husband literally rocked me to my core. I LOVED these people, I had been kind to them, they had been in my home, they had worked in my home, I had taken care of them, treated them better than most people in my life, made sure they were well compensated, made sure they were treated fairly and with respect and made sure they were appreciated. So when I was called ‘pathetic’ and a ‘bad parent’ and someone who was on her ‘high horse’ and someone who chose ‘money over family’ and a whole host of other things…I was devastated. I couldn’t believe anyone would say these things to me, but especially someone we cared about. I knew that they were just mad they got caught. It’s like a cheating spouse who is only sorry they were found out but have no remorse for the actions they chose to act out. Although, this individual wasn’t even sorry for any of it. I also knew most of the words was a deflection of their own shortcomings… but still.
Words have power.
Words cut…like a knife…into the soul.
I know those words aren’t true. I know I am a good parent and none of those horrific things they said about me. I know how I treated this individual, I have written proof to back up everything. In my head I know but in my heart…I doubt my own self and therefore I grieve.
We have turned this situation up, over, sideways and every other way. We have evaluated if there was anything we did to cause this, to provoke this, and honestly we didn’t. This was done out of jealousy, spite, unhappiness, and a whole host of other issues that this person has. Sadly, we were the collateral damage in a life that is full of entitlement and selfishness. We were the valued possession until we were no longer useful and then thrown out into the trash because they got everything they needed from us. We were fooled and that…I do blame on us.
So I have been grieving. I have admittedly been extremely angry. I have felt anger I never even knew I could feel. I have wanted to fight. Fight for my kids who got stolen from and a husband who has never been more hurt in his life. I have felt like a feral beast who wants to see blood in order to be satisfied. Most mornings I wake up wanting to scream and pound my fists into the wall until I feel better. I crave justice and for someone to not get away with using others in a world where everyone steps all over everyone else for their own personal gain.
Our way of life is made by us and it is literally a 5th child to us. My heart hurts as if I gave birth to a child and someone stole him from the hospital. I know that may sound dramatic but I honestly feel the guttural pain I can imagine a parent would feel in that situation. It’s raw and real and very painful.
I tried to move on by telling myself to rise above and move on. I often think if I tell myself that enough it will just happen and I’ll be fine. But this was different. I didn’t deal with it all month. I allowed myself my initial gut feelings and then moved on and tried to ignore it. This didn’t work. The anger has been a simmering fire inside of me that is creating enough smoke to cover up the hurt I don’t want to have to feel, or process. It’s causing me serious anxiety and physical pain and sickness. I am not an anxious person, never have been, but I have been on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown/panic attack all month long. I have not been sleeping well, I cry for no reason, I am sad and obsessive about things. I have neglected everything that makes me happy – exercise, eating well, reading and blogging. So I have felt like crap.
I allowed this person to not only take my baby – but me with it. I allowed them to crush me.
So now, I am removing the knife. I am going to bleed a little bit, wipe it up and allow a scar to form.
I will be comforted in the truth. I will know what we did was respectable, fair, honest and all the things people should be. I will find joy in the fact that we were shown someones true character before something even worse happened.
I will grieve the loss.
Friends, betrayal is the most brutal forms of hurt you will ever feel. I hope you never have to go through it.
But if you do, know you’ll be okay. You’ll get better and you’ll be better than ever.
Funny thing about the Harris household is we don’t stay down long. We are RESILIENT. We are STRONG. We are SURVIVORS.