So last week I posted a video discussing some hormonal issues I was having after the birth of Boden. I was not purposely cryptic or trying to be mysterious. I was simply explaining why I had to stop working out for a bit and updating on the definitive information I had at that time. I promised another update when I had received answers so will do that today. This is a very long story, with a lot of details but out of privacy for myself, I will just share the shortened version here. I’m sure you will understand.
On Saturday, July 2, Boden turned 3 months old and I woke up feeling pretty nauseous and a little sick. As just a randomly fun experiment I took a pregnancy test. Yes, I always have some on hand, just in case. I let it simmer on the counter and went about my business assured it would be negative. I came back about 4 minutes later to find a big glaring POSITIVE staring back at me. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’m not sure if I collapsed on the bed or started crying first. To describe the emotions is impossible. I instantly got Jared and in that moment my husband entered into an alternate universe. I mean we have said multiple times we are done having children so have not been trying to get pregnant by any means. I hope you won’t mistake our reactions as one of dissatisfaction, anger or like we wouldn’t love another baby. It wasn’t like that AT ALL. Just pure shock of being pregnant sooooo soon after having a baby. I mean, guys, I was just pregnant. Anyways, we are both FIRM believers in the fact that “life does not give us more than we can handle” and so processed the news and moved forward.
Fast forward to Sunday afternoon/evening when I started to bleed moderately. I will not get into a lot of detail as I realize bodily functions can gross some people out but I was bleeding. I wasn’t overly concerned at that point since I figured everything was probably still healing from having just given birth so maybe that was the reason. I just monitored it closely. By Monday morning I was bleeding more heavily and was starting to think I was miscarrying. By my calculations I was 8 weeks along and shouldn’t have been bleeding that heavy. I couldn’t get in to my doctor since it was July 4th and therefore a holiday. I was in zero pain physically but was starting to feel some emotional upheaval. However, I put a smile on my face and made it through the July 4th festivities as best I could.
I got into the doctor first thing Tuesday morning for some blood work. They needed my levels to be at a certain point in order to order an ultrasound. So I gave my blood and went home and waited for results. I had gotten 4 positive pregnancy tests by that point so was pretty sure I knew what was going on. My nurse called later that day and said my HCG levels were really low and therefore I was never pregnant at all and was getting false positives. I think I nearly dropped the phone in disbelief. I was emotionally done. I had just accepted the fact I was going to have babies 10 months apart, then I felt like the baby was being taken away from me and then now there was never a baby to begin with?? It didn’t make sense to me. My doctor then called later that afternoon and said that either my hormones were still crazy from giving birth and were causing false positives or I was miscarrying a 4 week embryo, that didn’t progress, at 8 weeks pregnant. She wasn’t confident in either of those since my levels were all crazy. In a way those theories made sense but I KNOW my body and I KNOW what is normal for me and what’s not normal and just knew something wasn’t right. They told me to give it a week, keep taking tests, monitor how I felt and then we would go from there.
Again, I was in zero pain physically and just felt like if I was miscarrying I would feel something. I carried on and the bleeding lasted about 3.5 days before stopping. I continued to take pregnancy tests and they continued to be positive. By Tuesday of this week (the 12th) I had now received 12 positives on all different brands and types of tests. So I knew something was definitely not right. I went ahead and scheduled a private ultrasound at the same place we had done a gender scan with Boden. They got me in yesterday afternoon and before I went I took two more tests (cause that’s just what you do, right?) and got two more positives.
The tech checked my ovaries, uterus, cervix and everything else to make sure there was no cysts, tumors, polyps or ectopic pregnancies. At that point we were afraid I might have cancer or some kind of growth that was causing my levels to be off. Thankfully, nothing was found and everything, in that sense, looked great. HUGE RELIEF. We then checked the uterus and found that my uterus was thickened more than usual and that there was a lot of fluid above my cervix. Without getting into all the details, and after a lot of examining, it was determined that I did in fact miscarry last week. The baby implanted and likely survived about 4 weeks before my body miscarried. We could see the spot that it had burrowed in and made home for a few weeks. After further examination we found that my cervix had not completely closed after giving birth and therefore caused the miscarriage. My body knew it couldn’t develop a baby and would be unsuccessful in growing that fetus so did what it had to do. There was no way anything would have survived with a partially open cervix. We took some measurements and some other things and the cervix did close during the miscarriage so is now back to how it should be. My uterus is also still not back to it’s normal size and therefore that was the reason I had zero pain – for which I am thankful.
The good news in all of this is that my body is fine and if we were to have any other surprise babies (which we are not planning on) then my uterus and cervix are in a condition now to protect the growing baby. There is also good news in knowing I do not have cancer or some other terrible medical condition and that my body is healing and looking great. The tech even said I had a “beautiful uterus.” 😉 I also find peace in the fact that my body knew what it was doing. I am deeply sad that we lost a baby but I take joy and comfort in knowing that my body knew it would be a danger to me and the baby to continue to develop and that there wasn’t a good ending to all of this.
I have zero anger or frustration for my body. Guys, this amazing machine has given me 4 of the most perfectly beautiful and healthy children a person could ask for. It has carried and grown and developed them in such a way that I have zero complaints about my pregnancies or births. I am so blessed and fortunate in that regard. I may not look like a supermodel and having 4 kids has taken a toll on my outward appearance, but WHO CARES. Inside I am superwoman and therefore love and appreciate my body even more for going through all of this.
With this outcome my belief still holds true – “Life doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.” I know there is a reason for all of this and I know there are always lessons to be learned in everything. I also know there is always JOY to be found even in sadness and that life only stops when you stop moving forward.
Me and Jared have a VERY strong relationship and I think this experience has only made us stronger. We realized that we can handle anything. Having a surprise baby is a cakewalk compared to a lot of the things we have been through. We have overcome harder, survived worse and stood fierce at everything that has been thrown our way. Our life is perfectly chaotic and we really wouldn’t have it any other way. So even though the outcome was not perfect we just say, “Bring It On.” We will always come out better, stronger and more alive than we did before the trial.
As I wrap up I want you all to know that we are OKAY. I am okay physically, emotionally and mentally and have come to peace with what has happened. Some things are just not meant to be and I accept that and know that it is best.
Thank you all for your love and support and concern from last week and I hope this clears up the issue. I also thank you for allowing me to use this space to share my story and my heart.