So anyone who knows me, knows I have been trying to win the “battle of the bulge” since my second son was born 4 years ago. It’s been an exhausting, frustrating and disheartening experience that I rarely stick with longer than 3 months. Because, I work in healthcare, I know how to lose weight, what to do and how to go about doing it but that seems to be the problem. You would think someone who helps rehabilitate people after suffering severe medical trauma would do everything in her power to prevent herself from being one of those victims. However, every excuse in the book seems to be used and nothing ever changes.
Most days I wake up frustrated at myself because I didn’t do everything right the day before. Then I vow to myself I’ll do better that day. Of course this never works because the moment I slip up I think the whole day has been wasted and slip down the slippery slope all day long.
Most people who look at me think I’m pretty and look fine. When I look at myself I see an old, dried up, fat blob of my former self. I see my old self who is trapped inside this foreign body trying to escape. It’s the most horrible feeling every day and the hardest thing to overcome. It’s exhausting trying to unbury the “real me” everyday from layers and layers of insecurities, ugliness and permanent scars. By the time the day is done I’m too tired to even care…..therefore I don’t.
I know millions and millions of people struggle with this. I know millions and millions of women who have had their bodies changed by pregnancy go to bed with the same doubts I do. I always swore I would never be that woman who was insecure and doubtful. Ive always wanted to be the confident, strong woman I so admire in other people. I know I have what it takes….I’m halfway there…but I have a muffin top and big thighs that just keep standing in my way.
In order to lose weight successfully I believe I have to accept and appreciate my body the way it is now. My body has been healthy, never given out on me, keeps me going, and tolerates my very physical job every day. I am still breathing, walking, talking, seeing, hearing and tasting and for that I must be thankful. I’m tired of beating myself up when I do have this beautiful machine that takes care of me every day. However, the biggest thanks I can give this machine is taking better care of it in return.
I want to change, I want to be healthier and more fit and if the weight falls off then so be it. But I want to stop complaining about it, venting and annoying everyone with my negative self image. I know it’s not healthy and I so desperately want to stop it. I want to teach my sons how to be confident and appreciate women for all that they are not just how they look. Hopefully, I can start looking in the mirror and seeing what everyone else sees so that I can become that woman I’ve always wanted to be.