It’s Monday morning mayhem with kids fighting over Reeses Puffs and the smell of early morning poop wafting out of diapers. I’ve been up for 2 hours already and am mostly just trying to figure out how much longer until bedtime. My to do list is so long I ran out of notebook paper and almost grabbed toilet paper just so I could keep going with my list. I’m anal about lists and if I don’t write it down I probably won’t do it and then there will be hell to pay. Someone said something about an eclipse today. I literally haven’t watched the news in 6 weeks because #work but I got about 75 emails from my child’s school last week telling me about special glasses, signing permission forms, informing me I needed to gather trinkets for a time capsule and all sorts of interesting things. I assumed someone may have been dying but went with it. Plus, I saw a bunch of pictures of eclipse arts and crafts all over social media this weekend and realized something big must be happening if people are willing to break out glue and popsicle sticks with toddlers.
I don’t do arts and crafts….like EVER. Let’s just get this one out of the way. I love crafts, I’m quite creative and enjoy a good roll in the hay with my glue gun but give me children with glue and glitter and I’d rather have surgery. It’s a disaster and I literally can’t deal. Plus, I am typically having to multitask during any kind of craft time and one day one of the offspring poured glitter all over my keyboard and I sniffed golden dust every time I typed for months afterwards. It’s a nightmare and unless they can use crayons and a coloring book or play doh…I basically don’t do it.
I ate too many carbs this weekend. Like the kind that stick to your thighs and make you start searching for “Hip Jeans …with elastic” on the internet at midnight. Ugh…some day I’ll have my life together..until then I’ll likely be consuming more carbs. I also shamelessly checked out my ass in the mirror today because I was booty popping to Justin Bieber and decided it needed to be done. A horrible thing occurred to me when I realized that my butt cheeks are starting to resemble my office chair from all the work I do all day. Maybe it’s time to call the surgeon for some butt implants. I feel like not only would it give me my booty back but it would also raise me up in my chair and make me eyes more level with my screen. A total two for one.
My three year old still isn’t potty trained and I’ll fully confess it is because I am too busy to even do it. I have picked 600 start dates at this point and then literally don’t have time to even think about sitting him on the toilet, shoving his weiner down, doing the potty dance, scraping up candy off the counter, and all the other nonsense that comes with teaching kids how to use basic hygiene. I’m tired of changing what is starting to resemble adult size turds out of his Pull Up every day but man I legit don’t have time. I’m considering hiring help just for potty training. Does this make me a terrible mother?
I have no idea what I’m fixing for dinner tonight….per usual. I’m over dinner and food in general. I think I’ve eaten enough chicken, tacos, and pasta in my life to last me 89 lifetimes. Sometimes I wish I was a chef who could just walk in the kitchen, raid my spice cabinet, sprinkle fairy dust all over a dead animal and have it taste like the worlds tastiest delicacy…whatever that may be. If it’s crickets then I could probably win cause my children say my dinner tastes like gross bugs. I eat it so I don’t see any problems. Maybe I’ll buy some actual crickets and serve them that one night and see how they like it.
I am completely unmotivated for work today. I’d rather be laying in a hammock, in the rain, getting soaked to the bone and not even caring. I’m tired. Like really tired and hope sleep comes my way at some point. I love my job, my businesses, my day to day grind but I need a day off and I don’t see one in sight. I blame this dumb Eclipse…it’s effecting my mood…and my vision. Should have bought those crazy glasses I kept getting emails about.
Sigh…I think it’s time for a dance break….I need to work on this booty if there is ever any chance of me getting it insured. And I’m pretty sure I smell more poop. Ugh, let’s hope it’s in someones diaper and not in their mouth like the other day when Boden thought cat poop was food. #mylife.
Happy Monday /Eclipse Day, friends!