Life is an odd thing sometimes. We all go through life each day thinking everything will stay the same, real horrors only occur on the news, nightmares only happen in our dreams, and that life altering events always happen to “other” people. Each breath is taken for granted, each beat of our heart is unnoticed and every part of our being is expected to perform at top speed without ever being thanked. Life is like a bubble. We live in it, feel protected and sheltered by it and hope that all the bad things will bounce off and never penetrate. For most of us this attitude works. We wake up every day we go on with out lives and bad things usually do bounce off.
But what happens when our perfect bubbles get penetrated with those horrors and nightmares we never thought possible? What happens when that perfect circle starts to contort and lose it’s shape? Will it burst? Will our grief and our fear come raining down all around us? Will we survive? Or will our own being rise up to repair the damage, sew up the tear or put a band aid on the scar? Will we go on being better people? Will we somehow find the strength to overcome even the most painful of times and make ourselves better?
Sadly, I don’t know what will happen to our bubble. Will it survive the pain, the grief, the shock?
When one finds out bad news the body responds in shock and then disbelief. We are built to be fixers, providers, caretakers and all we really want is to be happy. Our minds don’t like grief and our bodies don’t like stress. It’s almost like our brains refuse to process the news and rather hope to will it away as if it never happened. We pinch ourselves hoping we are stuck in a horrifying dream. After the shock wears off we go into “fix it” mode. Our generation is one of instant fixes, solutions and technology that can always provide an answer. We research, we fret, we pace until we come up with a solution. But what if there is no fix? What if there is no solution? How do we react? How does our body process the helpless feeling that threatens to consume us?
There are so many moments in my life worth remembering. Moments that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face. Then there are some that threaten to tear my life apart, change who I am, and test everything about me. There are moments that must be accepted otherwise they will feed on my soul like a disease. Moments happen without our control. Life is unpredictable and can truly change in an instant. We are never safe from disaster, are not invincible to destiny and can’t change fate.
Life is a precious gift that can be taken away so soon. There is no magic ball that tells us when our time will come to an end. There is no guarantee that we will die silently in our bed at an old age. All I know is that in this moment I am breathing and my heart is beating but that I am numb, I am shocked and I am deeply sad. All I know is that I need to be strong and courageous and be the protector my husband and kids so desperately need.
I don’t know what moments tomorrow will bring……but I know from this moment forward I will value life more. I will appreciate the little things more and I will not take them for granted. Grief will not consume me in the end but for now I must embrace it and accept what it has to offer…..
Live your life like there is no tomorrow and never let those close to you forget how much you love them.