So tomorrow I return to the ole stomping grounds after being off for 2 1/2 weeks. I have a leg injury that kept me away from work this long. I had 2 weeks of horrible pain and now I am left with weakness and the inability to run or walk really fast but I am confident it will all be returned to me in due time. Tomorrow I am cleared back to work and exercise so will be able to hit the weights in hopes to regain my strength. In my absence from the daily grind, I have realized many things. Some good and some bad. Even when I was stuck on the couch, unable to move, crying in pain there was a lesson to be learned.
The worst part about being away from my job is that I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss the “job.” I missed my co-workers and some of my patients but I didn’t miss the work. I am 6 months into a career that I worked SO HARD for yet don’t even remotely miss it. I realized this at the end of week 2 when my pain was starting to subside and I was getting movement back in my legs. I realized that I don’t feel like I’m making a difference in my career. I don’t come home any day thinking that someone’s life has been changed because I did exercises with them or walked them 100 feet. The realization sucked! I chose this career thinking it would give me the opportunity to make that difference, impact someone and help change their life for the better even in the smallest of ways. Instead I have realized that money rules everything, corporate policies always win, and my own productivity percentage is vastly more important than the care I provide. I was sad because I wanted to choose right. I wanted to pick a career that I would be satisfied in, that I would grow and change in and one that I would be glad I dedicated my life too. Instead I am already looking at other career paths I could take, other places I could use my talents. Don’t get me wrong, I do like my job and I like getting to interact with my patients and get to know them it’s just not as rewarding and life changing as I thought it was gonna be. Darn that “being young and optimistic” syndrome!! 🙂
As I was struggling with my career choice I was discovering something else. I missed being a mom. Of course I’m still a mom in the plainest terms but I missed really doing all the mommy things that I used to get to enjoy. I miss taking my oldest to and from school, I miss grocery shopping, I miss cooking (even though I am no good at it and burn almost everything) and I miss being a participant in my own life as opposed to a bystander. The past 4 days my legs have been healed enough to drive and it’s been nice being able to run errands, and take my youngest out for an ice cream cone in the middle of the day. I’ve missed staying up late laughing, drinking wine and playing games with my husband and not having to worry about getting enough rest to be at 100% the next day. When I am spending time with my children and providing for them, even in the smallest of ways, I feel like that is when I’m making a difference. That is where I make my biggest impact and use my most greatest of skills and talents. When my little boys look up at me before bed and say “Mommy, I’m glad your home to see us,” it melts my heart and that is when I know I have made a difference. I have put a smile on my little men’s faces and they have felt extra special cause I was able to spend extra time with them that day. Yup, that job I most certainly miss with all my heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful I have a job that provides for my family financially. I have never been the type of woman who can stay at home all the time. I need a career and something I can do for myself but my realization showed me that I’m not passionate about my career choice. I don’t wake up excited about going to work and most days I figure out how I can cut my day short to leave early. That is not exactly what I pictured for myself when I was thinking of my adulthood. Am I alone in this feeling? Absolutely not! I know most of us don’t like our jobs and complete each day knowing we have paid the bills and are sustaining ourselves and our family in life. Many of us lack the passion and excitement and run through the motions each and every day. I am a hard worker, I crave work, I relish in high stress and I can’t function without it. Sometimes I just wish my true skills and talents could be used where I’m at…..but they can’t.
Tomorrow, the alarm will go off and we will get back into our routine. I am thankful to be getting a paycheck again tomorrow and to be able to take over for whoever has been filling in for me at work. I’m hoping this small amount of time for reflection and healing will allow me to not settle for being a bystander any longer. I hope that I will regain the strength and energy and awareness it takes to fully participate in my career and my family and know that my hard work will pay off and be rewarding at some point in the future….both at home and work.
To my coworkers: A HUGE thank you for filling in for me, taking on my patient load and checking in on my as I was recovering!
To my family: Thank you for taking such good care of me, helping me walk around, taking me to my various appointments and holding my hand through the pain. I love you and I will miss you while I’m away.