For anyone who knows me I am a pretty open person. I’m honest and will tell most people anything they ask. This holds true for the blogging world as well. When I first started this blog I swore to myself I was going to be real. I wasn’t going to censor myself or only put things on here that would make me look good. I am human and humans go through many emotions and turmoils as well as joys and high points. Therefore, it is only honest of me to share all of those highs and lows with those of you who loyally keep up with my life. So for those of you who remain loyal through my good days and bad, I thank you!
Lately, it seems every morning I wake up with an overwhelming feeling of failure. As I stumble to the shower there is a sense of daily defeat before I have even fully awakened. When I became a mother I knew I would have moments like this, and I knew when I got married that I would often worry myself with my own performance as another person’s spouse. Therefore, waking up and feeling like this isn’t exactly a shock or unexpected. Rather, it’s just saddening. My life has never been easy (nor has anyones) but usually there was an end in sight to the struggle. I always had a countdown until things looked up and got better. These days it seems like the struggle is neverending and like there is a big fat X in the countdown spot. This is new for me and something I’m not quite sure how to deal with.
So what aspect of my life do I feel like I’m failing at? Relationships. I don’t just mean the romantic one but my relationships with people in general. My biggest failure has to be to my kids. I had the privilage of staying home with my sons when they were born and until my youngest was 2. My plan was to never stay home forever and I wanted to have a career in place by the time they were both in school. Much to my delight it worked out pretty much like that. I wanted to see my babies first steps, feed them their first solid food, go through potty training, and always be the first person they saw when they woke up in the morning. I got to witness all of those firsts and experience all of their milestones. I was able to teach them, play with them, fight with them, and cuddle whenever we wanted. We could spend our days inside on the couch, or running around all day at the park. There was no agenda, no crazy demands, just me – my boys- and some bonding time. I had never felt closer to my kids then I did at that moment. While they were always daddy’s boys, we were still a pact, a team and a force to be reckoned with. 🙂
When I started school 3 years ago, things slowly started to change. I was gone more each semester, I came home and had to devote more time to school work and less time to play doh, and I went from new mommy adrenaline to just plain exhaustion. This worked for a while. The progression was slow and steady and each semester we adjusted pretty well. We got into a routine and a system that worked and for the most part we all still felt pretty connected. So what happened? …… Life happened.
My boys are growing up, I have started my career, my husband is venturing off into the entrepreneur world and quite frankly our lives are completely upside down. Gone are the lazy days reading in front of the fireplace, gone are the full blown breakfasts full of homemade pancakes, bacon and eggs, gone are the endless hours spent at the park and the afternoons snuggling on the couch. They are only a memory now…..a good memory but a memory just the same. Instead, we have mornings where a packaged breakfast bar is thrown at the kids at the table while I scrounge around checking e-mails and making sure everything is in order for the day. The days are filled with one kid at school, the other at home and me at work. Our evening consist of eating dinner together, taking turns talking about our days, and usually someone getting into trouble by the end. The nights consist of the boys wanting me to have boundless energy to bounce, jump and run and their mother being too exhausted to even stand up straight. After the boys go to bed, what used to be couple time has now turned into one of us falling asleep early, taking care of regular ole life stuff, or someone needing to run out for errands. This is our new pattern and it’s on replay…..every day…over and over and over.
Now, let me be clear. I’m not asking for a pity party or anything like that. Most families go through this and struggle with this same type of thing every day. We are not unique and we certainly don’t expect sympathy. For me, this is simply a journey of re-learning and discovering where I now fit into our new life. I’ve always been the applying band aids, kissing boo boos, cutting the crust off the pb&j type of person. Now my husband does that. I always used to read to my kids every night before bed, because instilling in them the importance of books was dear to my heart. Now they get read to maybe twice a month. I used to be the TV nazi who set a timer for the amount of TV my kids could watch. Now, it’s like a free babysitter that is on call 24/7. Now I am the provider, the “working” mom, and the one who seems out of touch. My husband is now telling me that my kids all of a sudden like bananas, and that they no longer need their crust taken off. Now he reports to me all the cute things they say and the funny moments they have. Now I am clueless to the routines, the playtimes or what goes on during the day.
I call this a “period of adjustment.” Sometimes I feel like I’m going through an identity crisis because everything I’ve known in the past 6 years isn’t mine anymore. I’ve donned a new costume that doesn’t quite fit like the old one. It needs some adjustments and a whole lot of tailoring. Where I was once comfortable on my life stage, I now feel like my script is gone. I feel like the curtains are about to open for a show I’ve never even rehearsed. I feel like it’s a show that my kids are sitting on the front row, so excited to see…..yet when the curtain opens I’ll stumble and dissapoint them. The spotlight will shine and expose all of my failings and insecurities. My boys will know that the woman who is supposed to be unbreakable, undefeatable, and their rock…..will stumble and walk off the stage.
This is my fear. This is my defeat. This is my morning wake up call every day when I look in the mirror. My curtain is rising and I’m scrambling not knowing my cue.
I want to do better. I want to break down my own walls and find where I’m supposed to be in our new life. I want to fit into my new costume and be armed and ready again. Most of all I want to be the fearless warrior I once was and see the pure love flow from my kids eyes when they look at me.
I know it’s all up to me. I know only I can find myself. Only I hold the key to my own life and only I can walk that path and leave those footprints. I will succeed and I will never stop fighting to make this new life work. This girl doesn’t go down easily and whenever I do I will always get up, dust off and keep on swinging.
Wishing you all the ability to find your footing….