There are about 13 days, give or take, before we welcome another little bundle of joy to the family. Knowing he could come at any point I decided to go ahead and record my thoughts before he makes his debut.
As I’ve said 100 times this pregnancy, it’s been a completely different experience than the other 3. In many ways the same but in soooo many ways, different. It’s mostly my mindset knowing that this is the last time we ever do this. There’s something strange and surreal about “last things.” Life is short but yet can seem very long and to know you’ll never do a particular thing ever again is sometimes a difficult concept for a brain to comprehend. I think as a woman it’s an interesting concept to know that your childbearing years will be over. It’s not a tragedy or some terrible thing, just different.
Knowing this is our last has done many wonderful things for me over the past 9 months. I’ve really learned to be more present in the moment, I’ve learned to soak up moments like I never have before, I’ve learned to not take things for granted as much and to show gratitude even when I’m tired and achy. This mindset has carried over into the rest of my life and has really been a good mental change for me. I feel so uncluttered and less stressed and freer. It’s hard to make touch decisions and it’s hard to always stay positive but overall I’m really proud of myself and where I’ve been mentally for most of this pregnancy. I know that when he is born I will have zero regrets and never wonder if I could have soaked it up more….because I couldn’t have.
Giving birth will be bittersweet. I imagine I’ll cry when I see him. They’ll be bittersweet tears filled with joy at meeting him, accomplishment at birthing him, a feeling of completion, and a small bit of bitter knowing that moment will never happen again. I think if I’ve learned anything from life so far it’s that bittersweet moments are often the best moments. It shows that you’ve done something once (or in my case 4 times) that is worth missing, that is worth soaking up. It means you’ve LIVED and not just taken mediocre breaths. No you’ve done something worth having those feelings about. You’ve done something that you can be proud of and that you will always look back on with exhilaration and happiness. Those are the things that make those moments and those tears so special and for that I’ll be very thankful to have experienced it all.
I am so very thankful for this baby and for the opportunity to make and carry another life. There are so many women in the world who struggle silently with infertility or other issues that prevent them from ever carrying a child or carrying one full term. There are many who struggle for years to get pregnant and it weighs on their relationships, their mental state and their overall well being. We have never really struggled and our children have always been planned out pretty perfectly. For that I’m grateful and never take that for granted.
Adding another boy to the family is sure to make life even more interesting, although, it’s like riding a bike at this point. I’m excited for my sons to have another brother. I’m excited for Gavin to have someone close to his age so he can go through the same stages with a little buddy that Logan and Mason got to do. I’m excited to watch them grow and develop and see what type of MEN they will be. Mostly, I’m excited that they have each other and that they will ALWAYS have each other long after me and Jared are gone. Brothers will be brothers and I’m sure there will be plenty of scuffles, punches and arguments but I have a lot of faith that they’ll hash it out over a beer and forget it ever happened. The greatest gift I’ll ever give my children is their brothers and I hope it serves them well the rest of their days.
So to Logan, I hope that as the oldest, you find great pride in being the leader of the pack and don’t get weighed down by the responsibility of being the shining example. I hope you realize how important your role is but also understand that it’s okay for you to mess up too. All great leaders make mistakes. It’s how you learn and grow from them that shows the true character of a person. To Mason, I hope you never lose your playfulness and relish in your role as playmate. You don’t take life too seriously and I hope you can show your brothers that every situation needs a little bit of laughter and goofiness. To Gavin, my little hulk, I hope you don’t hate me for too long when it’s no longer me and you. I hope you love having a little playmate and someone you can teach the ropes too. I have no doubt you will teach him to be wild and mischievous but I know you’ll also teach him to smile and love and be a good little boy….when you’re not trying to poke his eyes or sit on him. To Jared, my love, without you I wouldn’t have these little gems. We wouldn’t have the really amazing life that we do and I would be lost at sea still searching for you. Thank you for believing that we can handle 4 and that no matter what, we can get through the hard days as long as we all love each other. You were my greatest accomplishment before our boys were ever even a thought. I look forward to sitting on our porch someday, with creases around our eyes, surrounded by our grown men and knowing that it was a “job well done.”
Bed Bug, you are the star of our final chapter in this particular book and I can’t think of a more beautiful way to end it. We’re almost there and I have no doubt the wait will have been MORE than worth it. See you very soon my sweet little boy!