Well, cyberspace, I am EXHAUSTED!!! I am mentally and to the bone deeply tired. I have been on cruise control since we found out my mother n law was diagnosed with cancer in February and haven’t stopped since. I feel like the past few months have just come and gone and I barely even remember anything that has happened. It’s like living in a world that isn’t quite in focus. Every morning I wake up with a huge weight on my back and it gets heavier and heavier every day. I know it’s grief. I know it’s reality starting to creep into my soul but I’m not ready. My mind isn’t ready to accept it nor do I have the time right now to stop and deal with it. I am not in denial about what happened, I am very realistic……….it’s rather I am remaining strong. I am holding it together. I can feel myself getting irritable, stressed and impatient. I can feel the weight starting to become too much but I can’t stop. Life is too overwhelming for me right now to stop.
I need a break. I need about a week to sit in a corner and cry. I need to sleep and not have to set an alarm clock and not have to wake up and finish a to do list. I need to be able to just sleep until my brain is clear, my heart is healed and the weight is lifted. Tears and rest will never bring her back but the more they build the more I will lose control. Grief can be an invisible toxin that builds slowly and slowly until it eats away at all the joy in your life. Every morning I wake up and see a picture of me and her first thing. It’s the only moment of joy I have. For that one moment it feels like she is here. It feels like my boys can see her again, they can hear her voice and everything will be okay. Then the moment is gone and all that is left is a disease that is bound to overwhelm me.
I miss her laugh and her smile and her voice. I never thought I would miss the sound of her voice but I do. I miss her greeting my husband at the door with a hug and a kiss and a love that only a mother can give. Most of all, I miss her running to see her grandbabies and the big wide smile that spread across her beautiful face. I can find joy in her memory. I can keep her spirit alive and I can feel her presence. But knowing I can’t touch her or hear her is weighing on me.
I need sleep and I need comfort but at the end of the day I also need to be strong and be the woman she needed me to be.