I came across this poem the other day and literally haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. As I have talked about many times on this blog, we lost my mother n law 3.5 years ago rather suddenly to cancer. We talk and think about her all the time but when big things happen or new changes she is definitely on our hearts a little bit more. So with school starting back up I have been a little more nostalgic and always think of how proud she is of the boys and how grown up they are becoming.
It’s weird because we have two children that were so close to her and two that will never have met her. I always wondered how this was going to feel but honestly it literally feels like they know her like the older two do. I honestly can’t explain it but I swear they know her. I heard this thing once that in some cultures and religions they believe our loved ones who have past on nurture the souls of our unborn babies, while in the womb, before handing them over to us when they are born. Like how freaking beautiful is that? I literally cried big ugly tears when I heard that for the first time. Maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t but I 100% believe that with all of my heart. I remember when Gavin was a baby he would talk to something or someone in his nursery and I would often walk in there and he would be staring and carrying on this conversation as if someone was standing over him. None of my kids had ever done that and I always wondered. Then one day he came in and grabbed a picture of Sally and said ZZ. There was no way he would have known who that was and to this day I swear he was talking to her in his room.
Anyways, this all brings me to this poem I found. It describes how we have felt since the moment Sally passed. Me and Jared talk all the time about how we have never really felt like she isn’t here. I know that sounds strange and out there but it’s true. Her physical body is no longer here but we feel her spirit everywhere. We often joke that she lives with us because there are so many times we come home and the house smells like her, cigarette smoke permeates the stairs and her favorite orange cleaner is oozing from the walls with such a strong odor. There’s been instances like the one I talked about above with the kids and we will come home and things will be off the wall but placed nicely like someone took them off and stuck them there. If something fell it would be on the floor not nicely placed somewhere. Funny things happen all the time and me and Jared look at each other, laugh, and say “Yea, we got it. We heard you.” She has made her opinions and thoughts known to us ever since she has been gone. At dinner the other night the boys said they know ZZ visits them while they play. I ask them how they knew and they said “we feel her there.” They also always search for white feathers and those sweet kiddos will come in and say “Well I guess ZZ was busy today.” My heart bursts every single time. haha
We have only visited her grave a handful of times since she passed. Some might find this odd or terrible (and again that’s okay for people to have their thoughts about it) however, our reasons are very simple. The only place on this earth we don’t feel her….is at her grave. We go there and something changes. It’s colder, its sad, its different. Again, impossible to describe but it’s like she is sitting back at our house wondering why the heck we are there. We always laugh about the fact that she is not spending her time at her gravestone…she’s out doing something really fun. She is everywhere but there, so we choose not to go very often. A grave is just that, a grave for a physical body that no longer exists. The beautiful part is her BEING still exists. She is as real to us now as she has ever been. To explain it would be impossible. Spirituality is different for each of us and what we are open to is very different for each of us so our experiences may not be the same as someone else’s. But this is how we feel deep in our own souls.
Sally had two fears about dying. One was that the boys wouldn’t remember her and Two was that her family would be sad. The woman was faced with dying at a young age and was not even concerned for herself. Seriously her courage was remarkable. I remember laughing when she told me about the boys because I knew there was no way they would forget her. She smiled and together we have all made sure she is still a huge presence in their lives. She plays with them after all, so I never worry. 😉 I never get sad about that and honestly I never ever think she is missing out because I know she is here and I know she is watching and seeing all the same things we are. Of course she is. As for her family being sad… well I made a promise to her that day that I wake up every day and keep. I told her we promised not to be sad. I couldn’t possibly deny her the one thing she needed and that was for us to be happy. Me and Jared have spent 3.5 years finding every single bit of joy you can find in someone passing. I didn’t know if we could keep that promise, I didn’t know if we could go on day after day and raise our children in joyousness. I didn’t know if my husband, who had lost the most important person in his life, could do it but I am so proud to say we did and we have.
Friends, there is so much joy if only you look for it. If you’re open to finding your loved one in all things, I promise you will find them. They are there and they are waiting for you to see them. They are reaching out for you and communicating with you in ways you never thought possible. Call me crazy, call it witchcraft, call me clinically insane….but I swear to you it’s true. Smile because they were here and be comforted that they are still here guiding you, watching you and seeing you. Don’t let them see you be sad because they are not sad. They are living through you and are oh so excited for your life, for your existence and beaming with pride at what you are doing with it. So open up your heart, let them in, find them in all that you do, laugh with them, talk to them and most of all believe. It is in that moment you will find the peace and comfort you so desperately need. Only then will you be able to look up at the sky, cry tears of joy and overflow with gratitude that their spirit came back to you. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever experience if you just believe.